Ahhhhhhhh.......Hot Summer Nights......With My Neighbor's Husband!

The temperature was in the 90's.  The heat was in the 100's.  The air was thick and cloying.  Sweat glistened (and ran) on every surface of my skin. The muscles rippled on the man........as he whipped the cord back and forth against the hot metal beast that frustrated my every effort.

Yes, I'm describing an evening spent with my neighbor's husband weed-eating the killer weeds that have taken over the community garden----what did you think I was describing????

I've not had such a delightful evening on such a bad-ass hot day in years!!!  It is a memory that I must retain--therefore---I blog.

The evening was just as hot and muggy as I described above.  But my hero, Pete, was up for helping me attack the weeds that some of our hapless gardeners just don't know how to control. (No one else showed up to help-just Pete and me)  

We would have been able to accomplish twice as much if Pete hadn't had to stop every 15 minutes and restart the weed-eater for me.  First, I couldn't start it --of course Pete being the gracious man he is-----told me I was worthless---and went on to start the flooded weed-eater.  (He may not have said those words out loud---but I know he was thinking it---most of the 

evening :)  Then the string kept breaking as I hit stakes and got string from the nets wound around the weed-eater.  It was really rather comical. 

But we persevered for two hours until the sun set and the light was gone.  We were both covered from head to foot in green plant particles---most of it weed pollen.  I toweled as much of the green stuff off of my legs as I could while Pete took a wet rag and ran it down his rippled chest and over the rest of his muscled body................oh, pardon me.........I was fantasizing there for a minute!

We were riding in Peter's prize red pick-up truck so I knew that I had to get as much grass off my being as possible---lest I mar the pristine cleanness of his vehicle.  Peter offered me the cleaned rag, wet with water, so I was able to remove most of the mess.  Then he told me my hair looked like hell.  (thank you Peter!)  I even took off my shoes and socks and threw them in the back of the truck so I wouldn't get the cab full of grass clippings.

After combing my fingers through my sweaty, damp hair we were off driving in his beast, windows wide open to let in the hot summer air while he had a smoke. (Man, I felt like I was back in high school cruising Main Street checking out hot guys!!!) (Of course, Pete didn't know I was doing that:)  

I noted that Pete was taking the long route home, but I didn't say anything as he was gracious enough to spend two hours getting dirty with me.  When he turned the wrong direction, I started wondering what he was up to.  He told me he had to make a stop at Wal-mart.  There was no way I was getting out of the truck with my green-tinged body, wild hair, and bare feet.

Well Pete pulled up to the local Sheridan's Ice Cream stand where a million other persons were gathered for some custard coolness.  Did I stay hiding in the truck??  No way!  There was ice cream to be had--and Pete was paying!!  It didn't matter that I was barefoot, dirty, and wild haired! These people didn't know me (once you're over 50 you begin to realize that you don't have to give a fig what other people think of you!! It's so freeing to let go of that crap!!)  

Pete enjoyed letting everyone around us know that he was out with a woman who was not his wife......and I enjoyed the ice cream. 

Ahhhh.............Hot Summer Nights................I wonder if Pete knows that he started a new tradition??  Once the temperature hits 100 degrees on a hot summer night, I'll be found sitting in the cab of his truck, honking the horn, until he takes me out for ice cream!!

Hot-tubbing with the Melting Pot

Yesterday I was feeling housebound.  I guess 95 degree weather with heat index around 110 does contribute to cabin-i-tus.  So last night I escaped the house and being the motivated person that I am I decided to take a spinning class at the Y. (You can see that I was pretty desperate to get out!) So I dressed in my workout clothes and even brought along my swimsuit with the thought of relaxing in the hot tub after the grueling workout.

I survived the workout--lots of sweat and heavy breathing must mean that I used up at least 20,000 calories.  Now getting the swimsuit on my sweaty body afterward was kind of comical and I sure am glad I was the only one in the locker room!  I kept the grunting to a minimum as not to alert the staff that something untoward was going on.

Ahhhhhh....the hot tub.  It was hot and soothing.......until I could no longer ignore the morons with whom I was sharing the tub.  (this was the YMCA after all).  When I had first looked into the pool area there was only one man in the tub.  By the time I got that recalcitrant swim suit on, there were 4 people in the tub.  (Give us a description you ask?)

Here goes:

One pasty 30-something balding white guy covered in black body hair-chest, shoulders, & back!

One heavy-set 20-30 something Asian woman

One fat, tattooed male moron who belonged to the Asian woman

One young black teen girl who kept yelling to the life guard trying to keep his attention with her babbling

One middle-aged caucasian granny just trying to relax and heat up the old joints and bones--that would be me!

I'd seen pasty white guy hanging out in the hot tub once before.  Kind of creeped me out, but he didn't say anything and kept to himself.  Now the other 3 were another matter.  The whole of the conversation between tattoo-man and his girlfriend consisted of how he got his tattoos, (how he and his buddy did one of them with a needle and thread), which tattoo was for his ex-wife, girlfriend, whatever.  The final gross-out came when he talked about the fairy tattoo he had on his shoulder.  He was proud to say that when guy friends would tease him about having a fairy tattoo, he'd just say he was the only guy with a naked fairy on his mushroom!

Oh yeah, I hot tub with only the best at the YMCA!

Thank God, they moved on out to the Lazy River to continue their high-class discourse.  Pasty white guy left for a few minutes and that left annoying teen-girl who proceeded to yell out to the closest male life guard with inane remarks like, "Hey!  Did you know I'm going to try out to for the Park Hill football team this year?"  Ya, I'm going to try to get a scholarship.   "Hey!  Where's that kid's mother?  Aren't parents supposed to be in here with their kids?"  "Hey what are all those kids doing over by the door?"  "Hey, why's the door propped open?"  "Hey, can I go back in the pool now?"

OK, enough of this melting pot experience, all I needed were a couple of illegal immigrants to round out the experience.  Time to get out and go home.  

On my way back to the locker room, pasty white guy followed me.  So before leaving the pool area I stopped, turned around, and waited to see what he would do.  OK, he wasn't stalking me--he was just going to the sauna. 

Think I'm gonna go back tomorrow night for another peek into what's happening in America!

My Next Career--Hush Hush!

Wayne surprised me the other day while we were taking a walk (walks are great conversation opportunities as there are no computers, books, or grandbabies vying for the husband's attention).  Every once in a while Wayne still surprises me; still waters and all that. 

Retirement is in the offing, getting closer each year (tomorrow, for me, if I can convince Wayne).  I guess having Perfect Patty start the retirement trend makes it more of a reality. 

Anyway, Wayne was talking about becoming a Certified Financial Planner.  Wow, where'd that come from?  Guess he's been thinking about what he'll do to keep busy once he quits teaching.  So he's been looking into coursework requirements etc.  The biggest obstacle for Wayne is having to work for 3 years in an office that would require a tie and maybe even a suit coat!!!  After 3 years he would be certified and then he could work out of home as long, as he could build some clientelle.  I can guarantee ya there would be no tie wearing then!

I think Wayne is onto a good idea.  He loves all that financial stuff (gag me) which is great for our finances.  He spends hours (voluntarily!) reading every book about financial planning.  So I think he should bite the bullet and start taking the courses online.

Now all of this thinking about the future got me to thinking about my next career......  I'm thinking I'll become a spy for the good old USA.  You have to agree that I'm probably not their norm when choosing spies, but then again, that's the beauty of it.  No one would suspect me (see image).  I could become a sleeper for freedom!!! 

Reclining on a beach in the south of France, I could pick up crucial information!  You know that where the beautiful people are--there is intrigue!  No one would even take notice of me---just another tubby little grandma sitting on the beach in a straw hat with a margarita on the side.  I, of course, would have all the latest technology hidden in the folds of my body -- ready to relay the one tip that the powers that be were desperately seeking.

I might even come to the attention of Federal Agent Jack Bauer!

Darn Public Librarian!

Remind me to never be a self-righteous librarian who stops a patron who is trying to explain something and say, "I know what I'm doing."!

Stopped at the local library today to gather more books for Hayley so I don't go crazy reading the same book 100,000 times.  Now, being the way-advanced techy library they are, they let you check out your own materials (so they will have time to do more important things than patron relationship-building!!!).  Being the tech saavy person that I am, I started checking out my pile only to be told that one book was on hold and I couldn't check it out so I should see the librarian.  Then another item that was pulled in through an interlibrary loan from outside the system, rang up as another title when I ran the barcode.  So I needed to see lady librarian for two items of concern.

While trying to explain that I must have used the wrong barcode for the interlibrary loan item, the librarian quickly scanned a different barcode that was located on an attached slip.  When I tried to tell her she needed to check in the other barcode--she just looked at me and said---"I know what I'm doing."---with a simpering little smile.

Just about jumped over the counter and strangled the bi........  But, being level-headed and calm, I figured I could be wrong (I know, not likely being the librarian extraordinaire that I am) about the process.  I didn't even ask for her to run my final account so I could see the list of books cause I knew I'd be nasty if I found the wrong book still sitting on my account.

Well I checked my account tonight, and GUESS WHAT!!!!  The damn book is on my account.  She was so busy informing my of her expertise that she wasn't even listening to what I was trying to tell her---cause we grandmas are just so simpleminded, ya know. 

So now the dilemma is, how do I want to approach the......woman?  Any advice?

Come Hang with Me

Today I sing the praises of my new inversion table.  I think it is helping my back!  I've been very reticent to attribute this change to the table as I knew as soon as I did, my disc would prove me wrong.  So I've taken it slow. 

Taking care of the grandbaby put some added stress (about 30 lbs) on the old back.  My leg was becoming more numb and I started feeling more pain down the sciatic nerve--fearing a return to a prior month from hell when I needed back surgery.  The old Doc did say my disc could let loose anytime--surgery would not prevent it from happening again.  Great news for future paranoia!

Now if you should stop by in the evening, after I've taken a walk or warmed up my back in some exercise manner, you will catch me hanging on my table, relaxing to the music in my head or to the sound of the tv.  This window of opportunity lasts about 10-15 minutes.  (Only the neighbors who watch my every move will be able to catch me hanging.  And that's only if they can talk Wayne into letting them in.  (Knowing him, he'll just charge a small fee and even volunteer to take pictures for them.  Just another great tourist attraction in the great show-me state of Missouri!)

Anyway, the old sciatic nerve has settled down, thank you GOD!  My back isn't as sore and I don't have to take a constant dose of Ibruprofen.  (I do plan to take out stock in all anti-inflamatory drugs, along with Oxycodone, and Lyrica.  Ahhhhh...Lyrica.  Wonder drug.....)

So if any of you are feeling a pang here or there in the old joints, feel free to come hang with me!

Do I know how to make friends or what????

P.S.  I think I may be a little taller than I was last month!!

Photo citation

Susie Homebaker

Since I am stuck at home babysitting my cute little grandbaby bug for the summer, I decided to finally get around to baking some bread.  I love home baked bread!!  I just can't make the perfect loaf.  When I make the bread by hand it NEVER rises the 2nd time and ends up being more like a lead doorstop.  My dream is to make bread like the loaves at Panera!

Wayne wore out our bread machine making pizza dough about 3 yrs ago.  So last summer I borrowed my sister, Paula's bread machine.  It was sitting on her shelf unused.  When I tried to use it, the belt broke.  Apparently that was a typical problem of that brand of bread machine.  After going on the web to find a replacement belt, I gave up as they were no longer available.  (Thank you to all manufacturers who make crap and then don't even service the crap!!)  Hello landfill.

So this year I decided to borrow my tried and true friend Lorrie's bread machine (praying that the belt wouldn't break).  I still had 3 boxes of bread mix from last year that I couldn't use due to the aforementioned issue.  So I tried the 1st box--honey whole wheat bread.  The box came with everything I needed.  I thought maybe the yeast wouldn't be as cooperative being a year old, so I looked in my fridge just to see if we had any yeast.  To my amazement--we had some!!  Looked at the expiration date and it said 2003!!!!  (So maybe Wayne stopped making pizza dough in 2003.  Time flies)  Needless to say I used the yeast in the box.  Figured one year old wasn't as bad as 7 years old. 

After 3 1/2 hours I had a 1 and 1/2 lb loaf of honey wheat bread that was about 4 inches high!!  It was edible, but quite......what's the word......weighty!!  One piece had to have a caloric value of about 500 calories.

Never daunted, I whipped out the 7 grain box of bread.  I stopped at the store and bought some yeast (made especially for bread machines and whole wheat type bread).  After 3 1/2 hours my 1 and 1/2 lb loaf of 7 grain bread stood....................  well just take a look at the picture.

Working for Panera after I retire is not going to solve my lead bread syndrome.  I discovered that they don't make the bread in store.  They just bake it............   I'm thinking I need some professional help..........  I think this calls for a trip to France or Italy, along with some lessons from a chef extraordinare au pain (that's french for bread for those of you who are not bilingual). 

And Wayne wonders how I come up with our next set of travel plans!!!  Since he doesn't read this blog, I have some time to plan the itinerary (any of you sisters free during the summer of 2012?).

I have mastered mango margaritas, so I know that a month spent in Tuscany or Nice will embue me with bread making (wine drinking) skills extraordinare!

I think I'll have a glass of wine while I ponder the possiblities.

My Sister May Have a Point beyond the One on Her Head

Take Note, Patty!  Be sure to read the SMALL print!

http://media.photobucket.com/image/speeding%20ticket/usbaums/SpeedingTicket.jpg

Interesting Day

Some days are more interesting than others. Last week proved that. Last week I headed out that morning to pick up my new boss on the way to my first day at my new 2nd part-time job. I had stopped to pick up sustenance at McDonald's and was attempting to unwrap my breakfast burrito as I cruised along the highway. Glancing to my right I realized that was currently passing a state highway trooper. Oops! I slowed down and managed to pull over in his lane in front of him. Too late. His lights went on along with his siren. This is the point where you imagine the deep sigh that I emitted.

I pulled off to the side which caused him to have to squeeze between my vehicle and the railing to be safe. I politely handed him my ID and insurance card as he asked if I was on my way to work. I replied that it was my first day at a new job hoping that he might take pity on me.

As I sat in my little Escape (which wasn't helpling me to escape), I utilized my time by eating my two breakfast burritos and drinking my tea. What else was I to do? Wring my hands? Cry? Heck no! I could see the officer on his radio as I ate. I knew that I wasn't a convicted felon, so I should be safe. Hmmm.... How many points do I currently have on my license? Hmm... not sure....

I watched with only a little trepidation as he returned to my passenger window with my cards....... and unfortunately a speeding ticket AND the handy pre-addressed envelop with which to send in my fine if I should so choose as to not appear in court. Sigh......

Not a great start to the day as I am already late picking up my boss and haven't called her. No problem, she called me only moments later as I pulled away from the side of the road. She was gracious about the whole event. The rest of the morning went well, although we decided security at my new domicile were idiots since they couldn't figure out how to set up my new ID for my job. Another day for that.

I managed to drop my boss off after noon and head to the last day of NASA Camp for my 1st part-time job. I wasn't as early as I had hoped and didn't have quite as much dry ice for the afternoon's experiment as I had hoped due to evaporation, but all was well. The afternoon went well, the dry ice comet was awesome, and I was told I had the Gold Award for Mad Scientist according to one of my young charges. ( She had attended several Mad Science events, so she should know.)

Then we went outside to shoot off our rockets. Okay, so the engine was a bit powerful and the rocket went w-a-a-a-y off into the trees. No problem, I sent a student in to get another rocket. As I talked with the rest of the group outside, one of them said, "Is that a fire?"

Those are NOT words you want to hear, especially when you are in charge of a group of children. I thought perhaps it was smoke from the recently launched rocket. Oh, no, that would be too easy. There were flames near the launcher. I dashed over to look and yelled for another student to run in and get a pitcher of water. (Yes, I forgot the water!!!) As I stood there watching the grass burn, I picked up the launcher. One of the three legs was on fire and was melting as I watched. What to do? The flames were too big to stomp on, right? I didn't want that nasty black plastic on the bottom of my shoe. I did finally step on the grass fire, but blessedly the water arrived and I was able to put out all flames.

Surprisingly (after telling some of the screaming girls to sit down and act appropriately), we launched a second rocket with the lopsided launcher propped up. It went up quite nicely, but still headed way out to the woods. Oh, well, time to go in. In the last 10 minutes, fun materials were handed out and everyone left happily.

However, is it any wonder I went home to unwind and forgot a friends 60th birthday celebration? A person can only do so much.

Mother-in-laws don't like help

I hope you all didn't do something extremely fun without me this weekend. I had worthy visions of helping clear mounds of clutter in my mother-in-laws condo. She promptly put Dan and I to work in her garden. She is carving this out of prairie that sits next to her property so you can imagine the weeds, etc. she has been dealing with over the years. But since the weather was nice and it would burn some calories, why not. Except she does everything the hard way, from sifting the soil to not having all the supplies on hand.

So I shifted my attention to installing the new, very expensive, way too powerful computer that she had bought 2 days prior to our arrival. Why she couldn't wait, I never found out. Plus, she bought it 30 miles away, so when a unneeded part needed to be returned, I have to admit, I welcomed the drive time. But then she didn't want a new printer, so I installed what I could only to find out that the printer was not compatible with Windows xP. Did I say her old system was 10 years old and she was still using dial up and wanted to continue to use Dial up??

Paul and I priced a totally new system that included the new printer and a new monitor for less than her "oh, I trust xyz company implicitly." Ya think they worked on commission at xyz??

So, I washed my hands of that, did my own work on the laptop and stayed out of the way. That was pretty tough in this little condo. But Dan got frustrated too so we left yesterday at noon and took advantage of Kim apt. downtown. We watched people at Taste of Chicago, listened to bands that the 20 something crowd seemed to recognize, and then watched fireworks near our first apt. So, a nice ending to my last weekend attempt at helping someone who really does not want any help. Remind me of this if I start making noises again.

In Honor of the 4th of July: Baseball Adventures in Minnesota

My sister, Paula, and I are seven years apart in age.  I used to be able to get by having people think I was the younger sister, until one sales clerk thought I was her mother!!!  I no longer ask random people to guess which one of us is younger!!!

Anyway,  my sister keeps me laughing.  Her life is always an adventure and her commentary makes it even more humerous--even when circumstances are not so funny.  So in honor of the 4th of July, here is a peek into Paula's World.  Enjoy!

Twins Game



Tim, Rahn and I went to the Twins game last night against the Rays. Twins won 2-1. Great game!


It was a beautiful night and they did fireworks afterward. I have decided fireworks have to have music with them. That was fun to watch and listen to the music. Fireworks alone doesn't do it for me.


Rahn, Tim and I all signed up to be designated drivers so we got 12 dollars worth of free pop. Each glass is 4 dollars. .... 4x 3=12. Gosh I am good! We told Tim to go sign up...he gave us a look like ...you guys gonna get loaded? and I'm going to have to drive out of the cities? Then he realized we were just pulling a basic scam.. Proud moment.


At the game, Andrew was listening in on a conversation of a couple of men behind him. One of them was thinking out loud about what a certain number with a banner was for. Andrew turned around and looked at him like he was in total disbelief and the guy must be a complete idiot. (I have no idea where he gets that). He says "That is Jackie Robinson's number." The guy said "oh. " Then said," I guess I just got dissed by a teenager. "


The night ended great. We walked back to our car which wasn't too far but way too many turns for me to remember. We get up to the car and I see Andrew with a look of complete fear and maybe the pre- barf look. And he says," I forgot my glove" I calmly looked at Rahn (seriously I was playing the mature parent role...not the "are you a complete moron" role I find so easy to go to) and said you have to go back and see if you can get Andrew 's glove. They high tailed it back. Andrew came back in tears. It was no longer there.


They said to call tomorrow and they would check lost and found. I told Andrew that I 'll ask if Joe Mauer can bring it to Windom for us. Or I will send a letter to each player and tell them the sad little story of Andrew and how he lost his glove and could they all sign it and send him a new one? That did bring a chuckle.


Of course this glove he lost is very expensive because we were investing in Anddew's future and he only deserves the best. Puke. Next glove he gets if this one is lost, is a damn Charlie Brown glove. You know the kind.... no pocket. Just leather. You got to be a real player to catch a damn ball in that kind of a glove.

Anyway we made it home at 2:00 in the morning. I slept till 10:30. Ahhh life is good.

Happy 4th people.